What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 04:08
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Put me off passion for life!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Comes on , in middle age.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What is it like to be a Christian in Iran?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Is it okay if I sleep with my brother without my husband knowing?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It was going to be , some day.
Eveniet dolor unde ut ut praesentium ut aperiam.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I said to her
She loved him until the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I think the readers, may guess!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
But, we were locked up after school.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i lived it daily.
Would this be the day?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
What did i know ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He knew the spot.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was 9 years of age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ive learnt so much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.